2011... in quotes

Son:
There's no such person as Father Christmas!
The Doctor:
Oh yeah? [whips out a photo] Me and Father Christmas, Frank Sinatra's hunting lodge. 1952. See him in the back with the blonde. Albert Einstein, the three of us together. Vroom! Watch out! Okay? Keep the faith. Stay off the naughty list. Oo! Now what's this, then? I love this. Big flashy lighty thing. That's what brought me here. Big flashy lighty things have got me written all over them. Not actually. Give me time and a crayon. Now! This big flashy lighty thing is connected to the spire on your dome, yeah? And it controls the sky. Well, technically it controls the clouds. Which technically aren't clouds at all. Well they're clouds of tiny particles of ice. Ice clouds. Love that. Who's she?
Sardick:
Nobody important.
The Doctor:
"Nobody important". Blimey, that's amazing. D'you know, in 900 years of time and space I've never met anyone who wasn't important before.

Doctor Who Christmas special, *ahem* 2010

Not every royal pre-wedding celebration runs so smoothly. Two nights before the current Queen's wedding in 1947, her parents gave a dance at Buckingham Palace that threatened to get out of hand. King George led a conga through the state rooms, while an Indian rajah got drunk and attacked the Duke of Devonshire.

The Independent, Royal Wedding supplement

A decade ago, when Prince William announced that he was enrolling at the University of St. Andrews, its number of female applicants rose by 85%, reflecting his status at the time as the world's most eligible bachelor. Although few can relate to William's particular challenge of searching for a future bride amidst such an overwhelming number of would-be princesses, his problem was reminiscent of a dilemma that confronts transcription factors, which must scan extraordinarily long stretches of DNA to find appropriate targets at which to initiate gene expression.

Biology journal Cell's brilliant contribution to Royal Wedding fever. Cell, 145, 167 (2011)
doi: 10.1016/j.cell.2011.04.001

Why do they say 'blood is thicker than water'? It's a strange expression. I was thinking about this. 'Blood is thicker than water' means you should be kind to your relatives, but... custard is thicker than blood. Does that mean we should be nice to trifles?

Believe: The Eddie Izzard Story

Octopuses make it notoriously difficult to get recordings from electrodes inserted into the brain, because they can selectively shut off blood supply to an area of their body or brain. That's if they allow the researchers to insert electrodes at all. Jennifer Basil, a cephalopod researcher at the City University of New York tells the story of one colleague who took on that challenge: "He thought the octopus was anaesthetised, so they put the electrode in and the octopus reached up with an arm and pulled it out." That marked the end of his work with octopuses. "He has worked with lots of animals but he said 'that animal knows what I'm thinking. He doesn't want me to do this so I'm not going to'," Basil says.

Eight arms, big brain: What makes cephalopods clever, Caroline Williams, New Scientist 2816, 2011

Do the French like their children?

Susan Ma, The Apprentice

Navigator: a crocodile that knows where it's going

Graeme Garden,
I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue (Uxbridge English Dictionary), series 55, episode 6

Whenever I feel sad or angry, I just look at Martin Freeman as Bilbo Baggins on the set of The Hobbit and everything is right in the world once again.

Ivan Radford, i-flicks.net

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back with lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.

Milton Jones

In September, Amanda Knox was acquitted of the murder of Meredith Kercher, but was first found guilty of slander. On hearing the word 'guilty', the Daily Mail accidentally hit 'publish' on a pre-written online article declaring that she was guilty of the murder itself. A few minutes later the alternative, factually correct article announcing her acquittal was also published. The practice of pre-preparing articles is probably widespread so we should not be altogether surprised, but what was shocking was the article's content - fabricated quotes from fictional eyewitnesses and fictional observations of the aftermath of the verdict, which never happened, coloured the piece. In response to this, Twitter users posted stories under the hashtag #MailHistory - an alternative headline history of the world, as might have been made up by the biggest selling newspaper in the UK. Here are some of my favourites:

September 2 1666 - Bakery owner Thomas Farriner needs new oven after putting out small late night fire #mailhistory (@echowilko)

Winston Churchill: "We probably won't fight them anywhere, to be honest." #MailHistory (@simon_varwell)

Births: The Daily Mail would like to congratulate Joseph and Mary of Bethlehem on the birth of their fine daughter, Dorothy. #MailHistory (@publicreviews)

"Acoustic 'til I die", vows defiant Dylan #mailhistory (@a_y_alex)

"Mission not yet accomplished" - humble and cautious President Bush shows admirable restraint #MailHistory (@saramegan)

New craze for 'tea' is dangerous and un-British! #MailHistory (@scattermoon)

Passengers visibly relieved after Titanic's mid-Atlantic 'near miss' with iceberg. #mailhistory (@bloggerheads)

"I simply refuse to wash my hands of this," said Pilate. #MailHistory (@DavidAllenGreen)

McDonald's burger flipper Jamie Oliver, 36, regrets not taking TV show offer #mailhistory (@geekSquared)

Finally my headline of the year, from Ed Yong's Not Exactly Rocket Science blog: Infants prefer a nasty moose if it punishes an unhelpful elephant